Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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