god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
