Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
