I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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