Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There's always time for handjobs
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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