I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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