Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
