I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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