The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
