just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
