I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
