Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Boobs speak an international language.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
