I wish my penis had an off switch
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
