either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
