my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
