I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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