You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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