his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
