Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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