saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
