my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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