You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
