I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
