my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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