I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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