there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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