atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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