My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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