So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You ate ashes out of my bong
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
