I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
