I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
