All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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