i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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