Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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