hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
