you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
