From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
