the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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