Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
