Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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