So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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