Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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