i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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