1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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