Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
