is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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