My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
