lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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