My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
that may or may not have been my penis.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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