I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
