I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
and you fell through a lawn chair
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
