So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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